When we’re getting sexy, we’re all about taking the seduction and anticipation up a few notches, and talking dirty can be a route to whole new level of excitement.
Dirty talk can get both of you hotter than ever, but it can also lead to confusion, missed signals, and awkwardness— meaning we have to tread carefully. When it comes to talking dirty, you’re really addressing one thing: how much can you get away with? ”
Most people err on the side of caution and don’t do what I call showing intent. They end up in boring, platonic, sanitized conversations destined never to lead to an orgasm—or even an elevated heart rate,” says relationship coach Todd Valentine. “On the other hand, some people are so brazen, they turn off the majority of people they’re trying to turn on. The secret is to push the boundaries of what you can get away with without crossing them… by too much,” says Valentine.
The foundation for good (and fun) dirty talk is the same as other components of a healthy sexual relationship—good communication with your partner up front about what you like.
But it’s not without its rules. Without some pre-session understanding you might find out that being called “Daddy” is something your man finds uncomfortable and squawky and not sexy mid stroke, says erotic author Jacky Lang. Or you could discover that your female partner was dying to hear in graphic detail how her body smells, tastes and feels…after an unsatisfying and boring romp in the sheets.
First, talking dirty doesn’t have to be insulting or degrading. It’s helpful to know beforehand what names or words people don’t like to be called or if there are phrases or tones of voice that might trigger unpleasant memories, says Danarama, who’s lectured on rough sex and dirty talk numerous times and the head of Kink University.
Also ask if they have names that they already like to be called. You may be surprised! Also think about words or phrases that turn you on to say or call them. Having a variety of catchy names or things to say at the right moment can help you spice things up. Using filthy terminology for your genitals (of which there are so many) can be much hotter and less risky than using personal name-calling or epithets.
1. Word choice matters.
Don’t talk about Dirty Sanchezing her bearded clam or use red flag words, says Valentine. Pussy is better than twat. Word choice matters. Don’t be unnecessarily clinical or explicit; nothing is going to make a guy softer (or a girl drier) than talking about volumetric blood flow to the genital region.
Do be descriptive. Details make stories come to life, and essentially, talking dirty is all about details.
2. Location matters, too.
Don’t dirty talk somewhere a person is likely to be judged (like in front of friends), says Valentine. Taking dirty is about exploring fantasies in a safe environment, so creating the environment matters.
3. Timing is everything.
“Like with anything, when and how you do it matters. Do be humorous, but strike a balance. If you’re too serious, it’s creepy. If you’re too funny, you’re a clown,” says Valentine. Don’t incorporate dirty talk too early—such as to a total stranger or someone who hasn’t given you signs that he or she is open to it. For that reason, says Valentine, do use misinterpretation.
Subtlety, word play and cleverness go a long way. But don’t force it. You should talk dirty because you’re in the mood and feeling it—not because someone told you to do it. It has to have soul behind it. While you are at it, be aware of the other person’s response to your dirty talk. If the person you’re with gives you a red light, respect it.
4. Repetition is also a good trick.
If you are in the heat of passion and land upon a phrase that turns them on, simply repeating it can give it a great sexual intensity, say Danarama. Even something as simple as “That’s it! That’s it! That’s it!” can make you sound crazy for them.
5. Give feedback.
Give feedback when things are going great. Don’t just leave them hanging when you instruct what you’d like them to do, especially when it comes to oral sex, says Danarama. Positive reinforcement goes a long way in getting your enjoyment and letting them enjoy giving it to you.
6. Make the talk all about him/her.
Talk about how he tastes, how she’s the perfect dirty girl—be specific. Don’t freak out if your partner tries dirty talk without the pre-conversation and you don’t like it—just talk about it, regroup and get it on, says Lang.
7. Talk dirty outside of the bedroom.
Add the dirty talk you both love to notes, private conversations or whispered public exchanges to build anticipation. Don’t worry about sounding silly or too dirty, says Lang. We all love the feeling of exciting our partner enough to make him or her abandon all other thought.
Learn some new dirty words —erotic fiction is a pretty good place to find new words to add to sexy times; porn videos tend to be a bit short on good or realistic dialogue, says Lang.